“Do you want to raise an independent child?” Most of the parents will say yes! Everyone wants to see the independent child but no one wants to leave the control!!!

Yes you heard me right. You want your child to do her homework by herself, you want your child to get ready by herself, you want your child to eat and sleep by herself and truly speaking all these are just few characteristics of an independent child. The true independence comes with the confidence and confidence comes with the freedom, freedom to choose their clothes by themselves; freedom to choose their toys by themselves; freedom to choose their friends by themselves and freedom to choose their hobby by themselves.

What if your kid will wear her favorite dress in all the parties? Does it really matter? We say “Best attire in the world is smile” and when it comes to our kid we forget that. What is the meaning of an unhappy kid in the best dress? She may look beautiful but not satisfied and that’s what you are stealing from her, her confidence, her rights and most importantly her decision power.

 10 steps to raise an independent child:

1. Count on Age: Nothing can be achieved before time. If your kid is ready to attempt self-feed by the age of 1, she is independent. If your kid can choose her dress or toy by herself by the age of 2, she is independent. If your kid can change her clothes by herself at the age of 3, she is independent. If your kid can help you to set up the dinner table by the age of 4, she is independent. If your kid can ask her favorite dish for the dinner by the age of 5, she is independent. Before you expect think twice “is this the correct age?” We can’t cut the fruit before it ripens same way handling over the control before the age will not help you or her in anyways. Your kid will take over the control gradually and you should wait for that time. Rushing for the things will simply get you couple of failures which can snatch their self-confidence. Wait for the right age and embrace each attempt.
2. Share the Responsibility: Being a parent we just want to leave our responsibilities for our comfort. We want them to do few things by themselves and we call that a step towards independence but the truth is we just want to reduce our responsibilities without sharing it. Kids are not master, they are learning so don’t run away from your responsibilities. For the start share the responsibility and slowly hand over the control. Initially guide them the way, explain in simple tasks and offer your help if needed. Make it fun by small challenges. For example, If you want to teach them to choose their toy ask “I count 5 and you come up with your favorite toy”. This may sounds silly to you but very effective technique to improve decision power.
3. Don’t jump in to Help: Kids are slower than us so don’t lose your patience and jump into unnecessary help. They may need double time to finish the task so have patience and enjoy the beauty of their hard work.
4. Respect their Decision: Don’t give your expert tips for everything. Let them take their own decision. It is okay if they choose to wear slipper instead of shoes; it is perfectly fine if their blue clips doesn’t go with their pink skirt, it is okay if their new toy arrangement don’t look amazing; important thing is they took the decision and they worked on that. Encourage every attempt by your words and gestures.
5. Give choice when you need to Restrict: Respect every decision doesn’t mean you should give them junk food to eat just because they made a choice or let them go out in sun without sun scream. Justify your every NO in kids’ friendly way; offer 3 choices whenever possible and show your love even if they made a wrong decision.
6. Encourage Attempts: Let your kids make mistakes (if not harmful) and learn from it. Let them learn what will happen if they don’t take water bottle with them. Instead of scolding support them in their failure and help them to take right decision in future. Failure loosens their self-confidence but your love lengthens the hope. So show your kids you are with them in all the right and wrong decisions to make them independent decision maker.
7. Go with the Mood: Kids are moody, sometimes they get ready by themselves and sometimes they can’t take even a glass of water. This has nothing to do with their independence. I remember my mother feeding me Halawa(an Indian sweet) with her hand even when I was 20!!! And trust me that never stopped me to become an independent woman. Simply go with the flow and love the way they are.
8. Welcome their Help: Kids are curious for the things they don’t know. If they offer their help, find at least one thing in your task and let them help you. This help may be very small and uncountable but it will add count on their confidence.
9. Do not Force: Is it true that if we don’t force them to do the things now, they will always seek for our support? Does this mean we should not pamper them or we should hand over responsibilities at young age? Questions are many but answer is only one. NO. Never force your kids for anything as forcing them for the thing means giving support in one way or another. Secondly there is no meaning of forcing a kid to do anything before age. Third forcing them for the things they don’t know is totally ridiculous. For example, if they don’t know the answer of 2+2 no matter how hard you try, they won’t be able to answer. And forth forcing them too much can cause couple of failures which may steal their confidence.
10. Accept the Nature: Few kids are ready to learn and few are slow; few are open to all and few are shy; few can take their decision even after many failures and few just give up on one mistake. Know your kid and accept the way she is. Show your love and support and help them to cope up with their limitations.

“Kids never lie” said my grandparents but is it really true? Kids really don’t lie ever? Then why my kids lie to me?

I remember when she was 2 years old she said “I washed my hands even when she did not.”

When she was 4 years old she said “papa today I rescued mummy from lizard” but the truth was she didn’t see the lizard at all. I saw the lizard in the gallery and I told her to keep the door closed for the time so lizard can’t come inside.

When she was 5 she said “mom my teacher asked me to bring sketch pens at school.” But while questioning I came to know that her teacher didn’t ask sketch pens. She wanted to pack sketch pens for the school.

If “kids never lie” then what are these? Was she really lying all these times or I misunderstood her? Shall I punish her for lying or just ignore it? Many questions were in my mind and I am sure these questions must have challenged your parenting at one place or another.

Well the truth is “kids never lie”. Amuse? Me either when I first time came to know this. When I researched I came to understand that whatever your kid says are not fully lie or better to say those are not the things we consider as a lie.

Here is the other side of those lie:

When my 2 years old daughter told me that she washed her hands without washing her hands, she was afraid of not getting a star. She didn’t understand whether its lie or truth. She knew only one thing that if she will say she didn’t wash her hands then she will not get a star. So technically she wasn’t lying. She was using her brain to simplify the task to get the star!!!

This is the example of kids’ growing brain and as per the experts you should not stop it. Then what?  Shall we ignore it and encourage our kids to lie? Of course not, the only thing I should tell her at that time is “it seems you didn’t wash your hands. Mama is not happy with that.”

Focus on the thing your kid didn’t finish as lying concept is far to teach at the age of 2 to 4. Make them understand that if mummy is telling you something you are supposed to do that no matter what and that’s called trust.

When at the age of 4 she told her father “papa today I rescued mummy from lizard” she wasn’t lying either. Yes she didn’t rescue me but she was fantasizing to rescue me. 4 to 6 years kids don’t understand the difference between reality and pretend play. When I told her about the lizard she thought to rescue me and result she said that to her father!!! This means her brain has started thinking about the solutions which is really a great part. This is the way they get self-confidence to accept the risk.

Then what to do for this age? Shall we ignore and focus on the thing only like we did it before? But here we don’t have anything.

Here I should tell her that that’s really good that you wanted me to rescue from the lizard. It was a brave of you. But you thought to do that you didn’t do that so you should say “I thought to rescue mummy but by the time lizard was gone”. When we say we did something without doing it called lying and that’s really bad thing. I am sure you don’t want to do bad thing. So next time say “you wanted to do that but couldn’t”.

Do not scold them to lie as I said it’s not a lie, it is just a pretend assumption.

When at the age of 6 she said “mummy my teacher asked me to bring sketch pens at school” she was lying. She knew that that is a lie so I can say she was lying but at the same time the truth is her mind has started reasoning for the things as well. She thought 1. If she will ask sketch pens for school I will not give her as in schools outside things are not allowed 2. Whenever her teacher asks for the things, I send it. 3. If she will ask the things by the name of her teacher, I may give her.  And all these she thought by herself!!! Well whatever she thought wasn’t right but she thought that’s good.

At the age of 6 to 8 we have to go through questioning to get the truth as they know what is lie but not fully. If I could have simply given her sketch pens, I couldn’t have discovered the truth. While questioning I came to know that she wanted to make a card with her friends in break time and that can’t be possible if anyone of them won’t get sketch pens from home. Actually her aim wasn’t wrong, just a way she found for the same was not right. So show them the right way and tell them to stick to the truth. This is the perfect age to teach them the importance of truth (of course without punishment). Punishment and scolding for lying comes for later age.

By the age of 8, kids perfectly understand “what is lie” and “what is truth”. Teach your kid before the age of 10 that “lying is not good thing” and they should not lie to anyone otherwise later it will become habit.

How to teach your kid lying is bad:

1. Consider your child’s age: First of all it is very important for you to know what is lie. If your kid says she was locked in the room for 100 minutes that’s not a lie, they don’t have the real concept of time. Combining fairy tales with the real life is not a lie as well as not using the right word is not a lie. For example “once my daughter told me her teacher likes to call her “budhiya” (means an old lady) but the truth was her teacher likes to call her “gudiya” (means a doll)!!! Many times kids can’t find the proper words to describe the things or their feelings so don’t judge them without knowing the full truth.
2. Motivate them with the story: Stories and books are easiest way to teach a kid. You can read them the story of “shepherd girl and a lion” or tell them the story of your own.  Teach them lying can get the trouble for them. Show them that if they will lie, no one will trust them.
3. Get the confidence: Make connection with your kid the way that they can share their heart with you. Give less chance to lie and even if they do, show them the right way and your love too. For example when they lie for grades, they don’t want to disappoint you so technically it is not lie. Support them for that and show them that you love them always no matter what are their grades. Get your kids’ confidence so they can share every right and wrong thing with you.
4. Walk your talk: As I always say kids are cute copy cats, don’t forget to watch your steps. Do the things you say and when you cannot, act the way that they don’t get the chance of misconception. For example, once I promised my 5 years old daughter to give her a chocolate on Friday but she got sick on Thursday. Now it was clear that I cannot give her chocolate on Friday but at the same time for her, it was a promise and not keeping my promise means I was lying. There was no way she could understand the reason of not giving her chocolate on Friday. So I gave her a chocolate on Friday and said “as I promised, here is your chocolate but you know we don’t eat chocolates when we are sick. So why don’t you keep it with you for three days and have it on Monday. If you are okay I can keep it for you” and as a result she returned me the chocolate for 3 more days!!! But if I would have not given her the chocolate, she must have fought with me to get the chocolate as for her it was a promise.
5. Share your mistakes: Let your kids know everyone makes mistakes and you did too. Share your age appropriate mistakes and lie with them and show them what you have learned from those experiences. Explain them that people make mistakes but that doesn’t mean they should make one more mistake by hiding it or lying about it.