Recently I have visited a preschool and in their questionnaires there was a question “how do you help kids to actively participate in activity?” It is an ordinary question but when I started writing the answer “I will ask for the help” I have decided to write this article on the same.

“Help me please” is more effective way to help than “may I help you”. Just think if you don’t know how to shop in mall and if someone will come up with “may I help you” what will be your answer? Most of the people will say “no thank you” even if they need help and will end up without buying anything. Reason is very simple. We are not ready to take help. We feel embarrassed. We think no I can do this by myself. We feel other person knows better than us or maybe we are just shy but the thing is we will say NO. This is the case with kids too. Kids are just younger in size and age but they too have all the good or bad qualities of human being. Good thing is we have still time to write new chapter of good qualities to make them better person.

Now you understood why not to ask “may I help you”. But at the same time we have to help them. So how can we offer our help in a positive way? The answer is say “help me please”.

Why to say “Help me please”:

• Feel confident: When you ask for help, kids feel they too are important and that feeling helps them to build their confidence.
• Fulfill your requirement: Sometimes we really want them to do the things like clean up, hold our hands while outing and many more but when we ask them to do that they won’t be ready. Help me please will encourage them to do such things with fun.
• Taking help is good: As I said we humans are not easy to accept the help but if you will ask for the help, your kids too will take the help easily.  They will learn asking for the help is not a bad thing which will definitely make them open to accept all the challenges and changes in life.

Where to say “Help me please”:

• Help me in Need: When you really want them to do certain age appropriate things. For example to tidy up their toys, clean up the table, showering plants etc. Help me please will encourage them to do such things.
• Help me to help: When you know that they can’t do certain things all by themselves and they are not ready to take help say help me please. For example if they are not ready to take the help to get ready you say “hey let me help you in dress up and then you help me to pack your lunch box. You know I can’t work without your help.”
• Help me to make sure security: Kids always like to run here and there which makes us worried. During outing if you don’t want them to leave your hands or go out of your sight say “please stick to me so I can’t get scared. You are really brave you know.” Or my way “hey please hold my hand or else I will be lost.” Trust me they will never leave you alone.
• Help me to teach discipline: Sometimes somewhere we have to be quiet and kids just can’t do that. Whisper “here we have to be quiet but I cannot be this much quiet so please help me to be quiet. Trust me they won’t even allow you to say a single word!!! For them they are in charge but truth is you are controlling them. What else can be the better way to teach the discipline?

So what are you waiting for? Go ahead and say “help me please.”

“Do you want to raise an independent child?” Most of the parents will say yes! Everyone wants to see the independent child but no one wants to leave the control!!!

Yes you heard me right. You want your child to do her homework by herself, you want your child to get ready by herself, you want your child to eat and sleep by herself and truly speaking all these are just few characteristics of an independent child. The true independence comes with the confidence and confidence comes with the freedom, freedom to choose their clothes by themselves; freedom to choose their toys by themselves; freedom to choose their friends by themselves and freedom to choose their hobby by themselves.

What if your kid will wear her favorite dress in all the parties? Does it really matter? We say “Best attire in the world is smile” and when it comes to our kid we forget that. What is the meaning of an unhappy kid in the best dress? She may look beautiful but not satisfied and that’s what you are stealing from her, her confidence, her rights and most importantly her decision power.

 10 steps to raise an independent child:

1. Count on Age: Nothing can be achieved before time. If your kid is ready to attempt self-feed by the age of 1, she is independent. If your kid can choose her dress or toy by herself by the age of 2, she is independent. If your kid can change her clothes by herself at the age of 3, she is independent. If your kid can help you to set up the dinner table by the age of 4, she is independent. If your kid can ask her favorite dish for the dinner by the age of 5, she is independent. Before you expect think twice “is this the correct age?” We can’t cut the fruit before it ripens same way handling over the control before the age will not help you or her in anyways. Your kid will take over the control gradually and you should wait for that time. Rushing for the things will simply get you couple of failures which can snatch their self-confidence. Wait for the right age and embrace each attempt.
2. Share the Responsibility: Being a parent we just want to leave our responsibilities for our comfort. We want them to do few things by themselves and we call that a step towards independence but the truth is we just want to reduce our responsibilities without sharing it. Kids are not master, they are learning so don’t run away from your responsibilities. For the start share the responsibility and slowly hand over the control. Initially guide them the way, explain in simple tasks and offer your help if needed. Make it fun by small challenges. For example, If you want to teach them to choose their toy ask “I count 5 and you come up with your favorite toy”. This may sounds silly to you but very effective technique to improve decision power.
3. Don’t jump in to Help: Kids are slower than us so don’t lose your patience and jump into unnecessary help. They may need double time to finish the task so have patience and enjoy the beauty of their hard work.
4. Respect their Decision: Don’t give your expert tips for everything. Let them take their own decision. It is okay if they choose to wear slipper instead of shoes; it is perfectly fine if their blue clips doesn’t go with their pink skirt, it is okay if their new toy arrangement don’t look amazing; important thing is they took the decision and they worked on that. Encourage every attempt by your words and gestures.
5. Give choice when you need to Restrict: Respect every decision doesn’t mean you should give them junk food to eat just because they made a choice or let them go out in sun without sun scream. Justify your every NO in kids’ friendly way; offer 3 choices whenever possible and show your love even if they made a wrong decision.
6. Encourage Attempts: Let your kids make mistakes (if not harmful) and learn from it. Let them learn what will happen if they don’t take water bottle with them. Instead of scolding support them in their failure and help them to take right decision in future. Failure loosens their self-confidence but your love lengthens the hope. So show your kids you are with them in all the right and wrong decisions to make them independent decision maker.
7. Go with the Mood: Kids are moody, sometimes they get ready by themselves and sometimes they can’t take even a glass of water. This has nothing to do with their independence. I remember my mother feeding me Halawa(an Indian sweet) with her hand even when I was 20!!! And trust me that never stopped me to become an independent woman. Simply go with the flow and love the way they are.
8. Welcome their Help: Kids are curious for the things they don’t know. If they offer their help, find at least one thing in your task and let them help you. This help may be very small and uncountable but it will add count on their confidence.
9. Do not Force: Is it true that if we don’t force them to do the things now, they will always seek for our support? Does this mean we should not pamper them or we should hand over responsibilities at young age? Questions are many but answer is only one. NO. Never force your kids for anything as forcing them for the thing means giving support in one way or another. Secondly there is no meaning of forcing a kid to do anything before age. Third forcing them for the things they don’t know is totally ridiculous. For example, if they don’t know the answer of 2+2 no matter how hard you try, they won’t be able to answer. And forth forcing them too much can cause couple of failures which may steal their confidence.
10. Accept the Nature: Few kids are ready to learn and few are slow; few are open to all and few are shy; few can take their decision even after many failures and few just give up on one mistake. Know your kid and accept the way she is. Show your love and support and help them to cope up with their limitations.

“Kids never lie” said my grandparents but is it really true? Kids really don’t lie ever? Then why my kids lie to me?

I remember when she was 2 years old she said “I washed my hands even when she did not.”

When she was 4 years old she said “papa today I rescued mummy from lizard” but the truth was she didn’t see the lizard at all. I saw the lizard in the gallery and I told her to keep the door closed for the time so lizard can’t come inside.

When she was 5 she said “mom my teacher asked me to bring sketch pens at school.” But while questioning I came to know that her teacher didn’t ask sketch pens. She wanted to pack sketch pens for the school.

If “kids never lie” then what are these? Was she really lying all these times or I misunderstood her? Shall I punish her for lying or just ignore it? Many questions were in my mind and I am sure these questions must have challenged your parenting at one place or another.

Well the truth is “kids never lie”. Amuse? Me either when I first time came to know this. When I researched I came to understand that whatever your kid says are not fully lie or better to say those are not the things we consider as a lie.

Here is the other side of those lie:

When my 2 years old daughter told me that she washed her hands without washing her hands, she was afraid of not getting a star. She didn’t understand whether its lie or truth. She knew only one thing that if she will say she didn’t wash her hands then she will not get a star. So technically she wasn’t lying. She was using her brain to simplify the task to get the star!!!

This is the example of kids’ growing brain and as per the experts you should not stop it. Then what?  Shall we ignore it and encourage our kids to lie? Of course not, the only thing I should tell her at that time is “it seems you didn’t wash your hands. Mama is not happy with that.”

Focus on the thing your kid didn’t finish as lying concept is far to teach at the age of 2 to 4. Make them understand that if mummy is telling you something you are supposed to do that no matter what and that’s called trust.

When at the age of 4 she told her father “papa today I rescued mummy from lizard” she wasn’t lying either. Yes she didn’t rescue me but she was fantasizing to rescue me. 4 to 6 years kids don’t understand the difference between reality and pretend play. When I told her about the lizard she thought to rescue me and result she said that to her father!!! This means her brain has started thinking about the solutions which is really a great part. This is the way they get self-confidence to accept the risk.

Then what to do for this age? Shall we ignore and focus on the thing only like we did it before? But here we don’t have anything.

Here I should tell her that that’s really good that you wanted me to rescue from the lizard. It was a brave of you. But you thought to do that you didn’t do that so you should say “I thought to rescue mummy but by the time lizard was gone”. When we say we did something without doing it called lying and that’s really bad thing. I am sure you don’t want to do bad thing. So next time say “you wanted to do that but couldn’t”.

Do not scold them to lie as I said it’s not a lie, it is just a pretend assumption.

When at the age of 6 she said “mummy my teacher asked me to bring sketch pens at school” she was lying. She knew that that is a lie so I can say she was lying but at the same time the truth is her mind has started reasoning for the things as well. She thought 1. If she will ask sketch pens for school I will not give her as in schools outside things are not allowed 2. Whenever her teacher asks for the things, I send it. 3. If she will ask the things by the name of her teacher, I may give her.  And all these she thought by herself!!! Well whatever she thought wasn’t right but she thought that’s good.

At the age of 6 to 8 we have to go through questioning to get the truth as they know what is lie but not fully. If I could have simply given her sketch pens, I couldn’t have discovered the truth. While questioning I came to know that she wanted to make a card with her friends in break time and that can’t be possible if anyone of them won’t get sketch pens from home. Actually her aim wasn’t wrong, just a way she found for the same was not right. So show them the right way and tell them to stick to the truth. This is the perfect age to teach them the importance of truth (of course without punishment). Punishment and scolding for lying comes for later age.

By the age of 8, kids perfectly understand “what is lie” and “what is truth”. Teach your kid before the age of 10 that “lying is not good thing” and they should not lie to anyone otherwise later it will become habit.

How to teach your kid lying is bad:

1. Consider your child’s age: First of all it is very important for you to know what is lie. If your kid says she was locked in the room for 100 minutes that’s not a lie, they don’t have the real concept of time. Combining fairy tales with the real life is not a lie as well as not using the right word is not a lie. For example “once my daughter told me her teacher likes to call her “budhiya” (means an old lady) but the truth was her teacher likes to call her “gudiya” (means a doll)!!! Many times kids can’t find the proper words to describe the things or their feelings so don’t judge them without knowing the full truth.
2. Motivate them with the story: Stories and books are easiest way to teach a kid. You can read them the story of “shepherd girl and a lion” or tell them the story of your own.  Teach them lying can get the trouble for them. Show them that if they will lie, no one will trust them.
3. Get the confidence: Make connection with your kid the way that they can share their heart with you. Give less chance to lie and even if they do, show them the right way and your love too. For example when they lie for grades, they don’t want to disappoint you so technically it is not lie. Support them for that and show them that you love them always no matter what are their grades. Get your kids’ confidence so they can share every right and wrong thing with you.
4. Walk your talk: As I always say kids are cute copy cats, don’t forget to watch your steps. Do the things you say and when you cannot, act the way that they don’t get the chance of misconception. For example, once I promised my 5 years old daughter to give her a chocolate on Friday but she got sick on Thursday. Now it was clear that I cannot give her chocolate on Friday but at the same time for her, it was a promise and not keeping my promise means I was lying. There was no way she could understand the reason of not giving her chocolate on Friday. So I gave her a chocolate on Friday and said “as I promised, here is your chocolate but you know we don’t eat chocolates when we are sick. So why don’t you keep it with you for three days and have it on Monday. If you are okay I can keep it for you” and as a result she returned me the chocolate for 3 more days!!! But if I would have not given her the chocolate, she must have fought with me to get the chocolate as for her it was a promise.
5. Share your mistakes: Let your kids know everyone makes mistakes and you did too. Share your age appropriate mistakes and lie with them and show them what you have learned from those experiences. Explain them that people make mistakes but that doesn’t mean they should make one more mistake by hiding it or lying about it.

Throughout my pregnancy I read a lot about pregnancy, even on the contraction and labor and all because I thought that’s all I need to know and my doctor also tried to prepare me for the same but no one (surprised and shocked) ever mentioned even once to learn to be a mother!

I didn’t read much about newborn other than what all the things I need to buy for her, how to put on diaper, how to give her bath and how to give her massage.  What I learned was just a fun part without having awareness of sleepless nights, hunger cries, feeding issues and tiresome days. I was truly thrilled when I came to know that there are different meaning of their cries depends on the intensity of their voice!!!

And that’s why I come up with this article to share few things I missed to learn before step into motherhood and the problems that caused:

1. I need to feed my baby after every 2 hours: Feeding baby in every two hours count night time also. I could not get continuous sleep which troubled me a lot. I literally felt like is she having an alarm in her tummy or what? Though gradually I got used to with that I wished for one full night sleep as my birthday gift which was coming after 20 days of my daughter’s birth!!!
2. I need to change/check her diaper after every feed: Checking or changing the diaper after every feed means cutting off your extra 5 minutes sleep from your 2 hours sleep!!! Well not a big issue if I think now but during first 2 months I felt it’s a biggest problem ever!!!
3. I need to monitor my baby’s every pees and poops: Baby grows by the days and that docs can get to know by their no. of pees and poops. And that means I need to write down that in chart given by her doctor or need to remember till the end of the day to fill all the data together which was definitely not a good idea with my pregnancy brain. Again I would say not a big issue if I see now but at that time with my recovering body it seemed more difficult to me!!!
4. Baby eats for 40 to 45 minutes: Oh God this was certainly new to me!!! When for the first time my nurse told me that it will take only 40 to 45 minutes depends on your baby’s speed and I simply asked “how many minutes you said?” Yes that’s true and they get their speed in 6 to 8 weeks which really cut it off to half but initial time is always tough and tougher for me as I didn’t had any idea about that.
5. I did not know what colic baby is: I was not having any idea about colic baby and when that happened to my baby I was furious. I couldn’t understand anything neither why she was crying for hours without a pause nor why nothing works on the same. I wanted to help but couldn’t and that was frustrating. Luckily in next 4 days my appointment was schedule with her pediatrician and trust me when she asked me “how you are doing” I could say just well with my teary eyes. She consoled me for the things and suggested me to read a book on baby care. She shared all the troubles and solutions for colic baby and that really helped me a lot. She guided me so well that later everything became really easy.

Time after delivery is tough not because of your physical inconveniences but also the changes brought to you by your newborn. Many things you need to learn which are totally new to you and that too without good sleep and enough rest. Your body gives up, your hormones shows tantrums in terms of post pregnancy melt down and here is your baby whom you love a lot but does not respond you (for initial months) at all.

Yes of course all these things won’t be easy either if I would have known before but at least I could have time to prepare myself. As I always believe knowing is everything I feel If I could have known about these things I could have performed well. And that’s why I am sharing these things to all of you would be mummy. My intention is not at all to make you nervous but just to prepare you and your mind to accept the new challenges coming to your life.

Read as much as you can to make the motherhood easy and enjoyable that’s what I learned till the day.

Foster Feel

Guests are on their way to your home and here at your end vessels are in the sink as well as on tables, clothes are on sofa, toys are scattered everywhere and you are still in your night gown with uncombed hair. Big question is how to clean all the things in this much sort time and that too with kids?

Well with kids this is predictable but that doesn’t mean you should exhibit your kids’ items to reveal that you are a parent!!! No need to turn yourself in really mummy look!!! Without these also you will look like a mummy and people will count your hard work behind this.

Things can be easy with kids too. Of course you are busy (busier than any other) but there should be a way to present your house in the way you are. After all that shows your personality.

Here we are sharing 5 steps to keep your home tidy with kids:

1. Start with kids’ room: Play with your kids in their room only. The idea behind this is to tell your kids that if they want to play they should be in their room. Best thing is they will follow this without a single instruction on that! Result is their scattered toys may cover their room but not rest of your house.
2. Decorate with toys: When kids are at home, you have to take away your fragile decorative items and it is not always possible to put the things back every time your kids get home so why not to use the toys to decorate your home. Use cars, dolls, soft toys or train to give new look to your home.
3. Food at food zone only: Fix the place to eat (big meal or small) for you as well as your kids. It will prevent your home from big foodie mess.
4. Teach your kids to keep the surroundings clean: Teach your kids necessary cleanliness concept like they should use the dustbin, they should put their plates in sink or they should throw wash clothes in laundry. These are small things but will decrease your work in half.
5. Have a quick clean up round in an hour: Throw a quick glance to your home after every hour (whenever you are home) to clean up the mess. You may feel who will have the time for this but trust me this will take just a couple of minutes and if you will do this it will save more than 40 minutes at the end of the day. The best thing about this is even your kids will happily help you in cleanup as it takes only few minutes.

Foster Feel

Hurrah you successfully completed 8 months and now countdown begins….if you already started counting the days then let me remind you, your baby can arrives as soon as you complete your 37 weeks or as late as after 42 weeks. Babies arrive in or before 37 weeks are called premature babies and babies arrive between 37 to 42 weeks are known as full term baby. Whether you give birth exactly on due date or in the weeks before or after doesn’t really matter if your baby is healthy.

Well today we are not here to talk about your due date but of course we are going to talk about what are the things you need to finish before your baby arrives:

1. Give final touch to your nursery: Creating a nursery is fun task. All parents want to welcome their baby in their own way and so don’t forget to give your own personal touch to your nursery. Go through the check list for the last time and complete it before time runs. Read Newborn Checklist
2. Finalize baby registry: Baby registry maintains your wish list and your upcoming needs with which your friends and relatives can get their gift ideas for you and your baby. Build it with your time and special interest or else you may end up your nursery with stacking up unnecessary kids’ items.
3. Find baby care options: It is important to plan your baby care options before you deliver. If you are planning to call your parents, book tickets a week before your due date. Search nearby baby care center or good baby sitter in advance. After delivery it won’t be possible for you to spend time to search baby care as you will be busy with your new arrival as well as your health may not support you.
4. Shop motherly stuff: Don’t forget to shop your comfort and that includes your after delivery stuff also. You may need some motherly stuff like feeding bra, feeding pillow, diaper bag, sanitary napkins (lots of), lip gloss, hair clips, moisturizer and many more. For clothes and lingerie buy one size bigger than your normal (before pregnancy) one. Your foot size will take time to fit in your previous shoes so don’t run to get your new shoes for now.
5. Tidy up your house: Your nursery and motherly stuff may need extra space so pack your unnecessary things for the time and put it away. Rearrange your nursery in such a way so that you can get the things handy. If you are planning to use your elder kids’ stuff, wash it clean it and sanitize it. If you are planning to use new clothes for your newborn, wash it couple of times before you use it for your baby. That will make the clothes soft enough for your newborn’s sensitive skin. If you are fond of well-organized clean home, start the cleanup right now as after delivery you won’t be able to get that much time and stamina to do the things.
6. Pack your hospital bag: you may need to run to hospital at any time so pack your bag with the need and comfort. What to pack in bag is depends on country as well as on individual hospital. Here I am sharing the link What to Pack which helped me to pack my bag when I was pregnant. Still I suggest you to visit your hospital and ask the facility offered there.
   
   
   
   
7. Talk about birth plan: It is good option to get birth plan done at the time of delivery only. Talk to your partner as well as your doctor regarding the same.
8. Go through baby names: Finding the perfect name for your baby is always difficult and time consuming so start it right now. You may think you can decide this later what’s hurry but trust me later you won’t get enough time and that may turn your fun into frustration. Start it now and have fun with new finding phase.
9. Have fun run to hospital: Labor pain mostly last for more than 8 hours but sometimes it’s so nominal that mother cannot differentiate it from normal false contraction. Plan a drive to your hospital, measure distance and time to reach there during different span of time as well as find out alternative routes. In case of emergency this knowledge will help you to plan accordingly. You can also visit your hospital to see the available facilities. It is always good to know the place where you are going to deliver.
10. Take a break from your work: If you are planning to leave your job or to take maternity leave, this is the perfect time to start. You may think it is bit early but at the same time this will give you ease from your stress and you will get enough time to welcome your baby in your own way.

Few days back when I was sitting in the garden, I saw a 3 years old kid hit another kid during play. The little boy hit once, then twice and when he hit the other boy for the third time, the other boy simply stopped playing with the little boy.  As he was elder he got the new friends and started playing with them. They did not include this little boy and as a result the little boy stated whining and his mother simply said “these boys I don’t understand why they don’t behave well to little kids!!!”

Now what to say? And to whom? To the one who started hitting or to his mother who didn’t even realize the real reason?

“Hitting is bad and you should never hit anyone” that’s what we want our children to understand but what if they hit? We should ignore that and wait for them to realize it later by themselves?

Have you ever thought that your kid will learn to walk, speak, eat or play by themselves by the time? Haven’t you ever tried to teach them those things?  Then how can you say they will learn “Hitting is bad” by the time by themselves? It is not about time it is more about how to deal with the new power and that you have to teach them. What if suddenly you will get super power, do you think you will not misuse it? you will surely test it either to satisfy your curiosity or for the fun. Exactly that’s what happens with the kids. Up to 2 years they don’t have the power to hit and now they got it; they saw the reflection of it; they know people react on this action and so they hit.

But it is parents’ responsibility to teach them what is right and what is not. How to handle the power and why it is not good option to test all the limits?

Why or when kids hit:

• To Test The Power: As I already mentioned it above the first few times kids hit is not because of any particular intention. They hit to test their power just like when they learn to walk they explore it by walking all the times. For kids it is a way to test their power and its limits.
• To Get The Attention: Few actions direct get attention and hitting is one of them. When parents are not able to spend quality time with kids, kids hit to seek their attention.
• When Their Parents Hit: Sad but true. Kids are cute copycats; they may not understand your words but they will surely understand your actions. If you think it is a reason for you, stop it right here.

From where your kids learn:

• Family: If you or your family members hit the kid or anyone, they will surely learn it so choose your action carefully.
• Television: Loud action shows left its affect on kids mind. Kids cannot understand the real super hero concept, for them super heroes are strong and so they try to copy them.
• Surrounding environment: Kids are very good in observation. They try to copy the things they see. If your surrounding environment is not good they too will learn it slowly and behave the same way.
• Toys: Pretend play plays very strong role in your kids development. With the figure toys kids play good guy bad guy games (fighting games)  and slowly that controls them.

How to teach your kid “hitting is bad”:

• Stop hitting: Kids are cute copy cats. If you want them to behave nicely, you too behave the same way. If you think you hit them even once in a while stop it right here and see the difference. You may think hitting once in a while is required to teach them a lesson but truly speaking there is nothing which you can’t teach them without hitting.  Read When do you get angry on your kids
• Spend enough time: The second most important reason why kids hit is “to get the attention”. Kids are attention seeker and when they don’t get it enough, they try all the ways. Screaming, shouting, throwing and hitting are their preferable ways which always fulfill their intention. Spend quality time with your kids, show your love and see the improvement.
• Explain in good mood: Bed time is always good time to talk. Talk in best mood of your kid and try to explain the things. You can take advantage of books and/or even your own stories to teach them a lesson.
• Introduce punishment: When you think nothing works, you have become little bit strict to show the limits. Introduce small punishment like time out or take away techniques. You have to teach them few things are not at all acceptable and hitting is one of those.