Once I wanted to explain something to my 5 years old daughter and so I called her “come here baby we need to talk.” The following conversation happened.

Mom: Why do you eat these many biscuits at aunt’s (my neighbor) home? Do you know you are eating biscuits since last 8 days. Is it good thing?”

Swara: But aunty likes to share with me. If I will say no she will feel bad.

Mom: No, she will feel good if you will say no to junk food.

Swara: But I like biscuits.

Mom: Then eat at our home.

Swara: But doctor said no biscuits then how can I eat those at our home?

Mom: Then why do you eat at aunt’s house?

Swara: Because you said sometimes it’s okay

Mom: only sometimes dear

Swara : 8 is sometimes only. 100 is big I will not eat for 100 days mom.

Mom: See baby you can taste food at someone’s house you cannot fill your tummy with that.

Swara : Oh but when I don’t eat food in potluck you ask me to eat properly.

Mom:  That was potluck.  In potluck we share food with each other and eat together. Those are healthy food too.

Swara: You mean I can eat healthy food from aunt’s house?

Mom: ok baby I need a break we will talk tomorrow about this!!!

I was fully confused with her arguments which were definitely not beyond the topic. Later I reviewed whole conversation and I understood it wasn’t her fault. She is a kid and kid will surely think differently and try to find the link between all the things. It was me who started conversation with wrong phrase.

If I would have said “When we go to visit someone we should not eat too much. People like to offer the food but guests should not finish it off. So now onward don’t eat all the food offered by aunt.” Then I could have omitted previous arguments.

The way I talked for the first time was confusing and so she added her own thoughts. This is the common mistakes we do when we try to explain something to our kids. Either we explain in depth or we keep it open to add the ends.

It will be easier if we are clear with what we want to convey.

And thus here I am writing this article for me to remind myself how to make fruitful conversation with kids without welcoming unnecessary arguments and for the parents who too are facing the same issue.

Take Time: Take time to think what you want to talk. Think twice is it really necessary to talk on that topic or it is just a matter of a day. Because sometimes we make an issue from the small thing as we are unnecessarily worried about people but actually it is not at all important.

For example: If your kid fights with his/her best friend during play date for a toy, it is okay. Let them resolve their issue and wait for them to come to you if they want. Otherwise leave it as it’s not that much important.  Sometimes kids fight on silly things and they forget it in couple of minutes itself. Don’t try to interfere and leave the command to make them independent.

Be Clear: Be clear on what you really what to convey. Just look at my whole conversation and you will get the answer. In first conversation I was not at all clear and thus confused my daughter with 1. She should not eat junk food. 2. She should not eat at someone else house. 3. She should not eat biscuits everyday.

Later I focused on “she should not finish the food offered by host” and that really worked.

Make the statement properly. Don’t think s/he is just a kid so you can go and talk just like that without preparation. In fact kids mind runs a lot so beware of it. One mistake and your point will be ruined.

Choose one: If you have multiple things to tell please choose one of those for one time and stack remaining for later. If you will tell them all together they won’t understand any of it or won’t remember any of it just after the conversation.

Keep it simple:  It is important to be clear and make the statement to share with your kid in a language (according to age) that s/he can understand. Keep it simple and straight. Your statement should not be with open ends so s/he can add on that. Don’t go in deep explanation even though they ask. You can answer them its good manner or bad manner just the way you state “you should not play with food.”

Set the example: Try to follow your own statements. If you forget sometimes and your kids catch you for that, don’t forget to admit your mistake.

For example if you eat 4 chocolates at your best friend’s house and your kid catches you, you can tell him/her “oops where are my manners?”  I will be careful now.

Accept your mistake: If they don’t tell you at that time and remind you later about your 4 chocolates accept the mistake. Do not give reasoning as if you will give reasoning they too will give you reasoning which will be arguments for you. Because at the end for kids all the cases are same. If you can’t eat at one host you should definitely not eat at other host.  So leave the explanation for later and accept the mistake with yes that was not good of me. Next time I will try to remember this. Thank you for reminding me.

Motivate with your own mistakes: Motivate with your own stories. Tell the stories of your childhood, what mistakes you made and how your parents corrected you. Of course the way could be different but trust me they will surely understand the thing which you really want to tell them. And if you think it wasn’t a best way to teach you the matter modify your story with the best way.

I remember my mother telling me many times “when you were a kid I had to clean your school bag almost every week or else it used to be very heavy because of stones you liked to collect!!!”

I use to laugh on that every time. But now the thing is different.

That’s  my 5 years old daughter who likes to collect the things and I need to clean her room every week to get rid of those things and that too when she is away or else everything seems so precious, very much important and I can’t remove any of that from her treasure chest!!!

Foster Feel

If your kids too are collecting Coles, I am glad to say congratulations as they are in right path to learn and explore the things. If you are thinking to stop them then please don’t as I can give you reasons why not to.

1. Whatever they collect is treasure for them. This is the way they learn to value the things. So let them collect and let them explore.
2. If you will notice them playing with their treasure chest, you will see how they differentiate the things and arrange those in different ways. This is the way they learn to categorize the things based on colors size shapes or priorities.
3. They will open their treasure chest at least once in a day that shows their concern and care. This will encourage them to take care of their things and make them responsible.
4. Every day revise and recall of the same thing makes their memory sharp as well as upgrade their knowledge about those stuff.
5. If you think your kid is shy and can’t communicate with other kids easily then good to know that talking about treasure makes communication easy as they get some common topic to talk about.
6. At this age they collect random things but by the age they will learn the difference and value of the things. They will get their command on their choice and selection which will lead them to a new hobby for the future.

Well this doesn’t mean we should keep all those crap of course. We don’t want to hurt their feelings or to keep them away from this beautiful treasure but at the same time we have to keep their room tidy (just a little tidy) and for that we can use the same old technique, clean up when they are away.

Clean up in absence of kid gives us benefits like 1. We can discard the things we want. 2. It won’t make them sad 3. We don’t want to take away the pleasure of finding treasure 4. We need not to explain them why.

Last one is pretty tricky as Explaining why is a big deal at this age. They understand little more and yet not whole. We can find age appropriate explanation sometimes but not always.

I love to share my daughter likes to collect dry leaves, flowers, feathers, wrappers,magnets or screws and a lot more. If you too feel the same we would love to hear what your kid likes to collect?

Foster Feel

If I will say sharing is always difficult for kids, I am sure most of the parents will agree with me especially those whose kids are around 3.

Well no matter whether they want to play with that toy or not they won’t be ready to share it with anyone. No matter how many times you explain them; no matter how many times you punish (Time Out) them but when it comes to sharing they become stubborn!!! Sometimes parents wonder “why nothing is working?”

I know you are looking for the reason; you are looking for the solution but first thing I would like to mention is “This is the age, Accept it.”

Well this doesn’t mean you should leave them the way they are.  Otherwise they will never learn it. But before teaching anything to your kid you need to understand your kids’ view.

Why Kids don’t like to share:

Normally kids don’t know the concept of mine and yours till the age of 2 and that’s why kids younger than 2 can share the things easily unless they really want it. Kids learn the concept of mine by the age of 3. When they understand the concept of mine they try to protect that; they try to take care of that which is actually good thing. This is the way they learn how to take care of their things and surrounding people (family members).

But the thing is they know the concept of mine and yours, they know the concept of taking care of their own things and family members but they don’t know the concept of protecting and so they become possessive. I mean to say they know they should protect their things but they don’t know how. They feel if I will share, it will go away, it will break or it will be finished.

So basically at this age don’t teach them to share instead show them the ways to protect their things.

If you don’t believe just give them any of your things and ask them to take care of it just for couple of minutes and ask your friend or family member to touch the same thing and see the result. 90% kids of this age won’t allow anyone to touch the thing, not even their family members.

So now I guess you got the point. Don’t teach them to share teach them to protect.

How to motivate your kids to share:

Share to show: Show them how you enjoy sharing. Show them how do you take care of someone else thing and show them how do you get your things back from your friends once they are done.

For example I would like to tell my daughter “See today I got this new book from my friend. It’s really interesting. Once we will be done we need to return it so we must take care of it.”

Or if someone will return the thing I will say “wow she is so good see she cleaned grinder before returning it.”

Practical demonstration will always encourage kids to copy as we all know kids are just cute copycats. So drop the talk and show them the concept of sharing by intentionally sharing the things in front of them.

Play “Can we share”: I must say this is the best game on sharing. Point out the things which we can share in funny way. It’s a game called can we share? For example, parent will ask “can we share lunchbox?” and kids need to answer yes/no depends on their thinking.

If they are wrong, talk about the incident when you or your friend shared that thing. The best thing about this game is “you can include anything and everything like your bathroom, mat, food, water, clothes kitchen, accessories and all.” Don’t forget to include those things which we cannot share like water bottle and handkerchief.

Start with Exchange: Initially even if you explain, even if you demonstrate, they might not be ready to leave their things. This is really common as they know nothing happened to your things but they are still confused about the surety. Just the way we can’t leave our kids with anyone they can’t leave their things.

Exchanging the toys with friends can comfort them little more as they don’t just need to give but have something to get also.  Exchange toy is bit easier than give and go.

Books are Best: Read story books on sharing and sharing concept. Tell the story on things like sea saw, slide, sand play or even dining table which has no fun if you are alone.

Talk and explain when they are in good mood. Bedtimes are best.

Assure the security: It is perfectly okay if they don’t want to share something or with some friends. Support their decision and assure the security of their favorite things.

If you feel your kid is not ready to share her favorite doll with anyone that’s perfectly fine if she is ready to share rest of the things.

Few friends are really naughty and your kids know that they will break or spoil the things so it’s okay if they say no to them. Try to explain but don’t force.

Stop sharing if they don’t: Once you know your kids understand the concept of sharing or they want someone else thing but not ready to give their things try “No sharing with them”.

For example my daughter was fond of my hair; she always liked to take my hair for couple of minutes before going to bed. So I explained her “would you like if mama will not share her hair with you?”  If not then start sharing or else I too will not share my hair with you. Stick to the decision and don’t hesitate to implement it.

Don’t even think that they learned how to share means they will share always and with everyone. Sharing is depends on your kids’ mood and with whom s/he wants to share. Kids choose their sharing partner just like we choose people to trust. They share easily with friends and hesitate with new kids. Give them time and make the sharing easy.

When I thought to write on kids’ behavior due to inadequate sleeping schedule I really thought to complete it in just one post but when I started writing I felt there are many important things to share and came out with 3 different posts.

1. Facing troubles to handle your kids
2. 3S to stop bed time battles
3. 5 tips to stop morning menace

First two we already discussed so here I am starting with the third one.

You may think how these three are related and so here is the answer – when kids don’t get enough sleep they become hyper and cranky. They won’t listen to you as they are tired and cranky. They won’t be ready to take rest or sleep as they are hyper now. Result difficulty in handling them. So the key line is if you want see best of your kid, you have to provide them proper sleep to start a new fresh day.

If you think you are providing better sleep schedule and still your kid is not co-operating especially in the morning then here is the reason. We believe kids are most active in our house but if you will notice they will be lazier in the morning. When we wake up we feel fresh and ready to welcome the new day, new challenges and new life. And to accept those challenges we start working from the very first moment to get ready for the day. But for kids it’s opposite. They get slower in the morning as they try to settle down in new day. And as a parent we feel why this kid is behaving like this? Why s/he is not cooperating for anything? Why s/he is not getting ready for the school? Well that’s not their fault. It’s just like they need little time to adjust with the new day, new challenges and new possibilities.

Image source Google

And that’s why here is the guide line to stop morning menace:

1. Start with night: Morning will be always slow for kids especially for the age group 3 to 7. And if they couldn’t finish their sleep, it will be even slower. So if you want to start a new fresh day, offer them proper sleep schedule with your love and see how magically your morning will be fresh with the fresh kid.
2. Set the alarm: Set the alarm clock not only for you but for your kids too. It’s better to get one kids’ alarm clock or cuckoo clock for your kid. Make sure it rings once you wake them up to give them idea of time actually better to say idea of upcoming event.
3. Finish your chores first: It won’t be a good choice to wake up your kid and start working and so I suggest you to wake up at least 15 minutes before your kid so you can finish your major work before your kids get up. For example if you need to prepare breakfast or lunch finish half of that before you go to kids’ room. As I always say don’t forget to take help from family.
4. Good morning should be good: Don’t just scream from the kitchen “hey its school time wake up!!!” That’s not what your kid deserves. Go to kids’ room, take your kid’s head in your lap, give kiss and say good morning. You can play or sing good morning rhymes if you want. It will be more fun. Start your kids’ day by offering healthy smile.
5. Have fun race to speed up the task: Even after a healthy start the main thing is “how to make them ready quickly”. Trust me they won’t take much time to get ready if you will give them a booster of your love and fun. Have a race to get ready or for breakfast. For example I like to put everything that require to get ready on bed and I will say “baby you get ready and I will pack your school bag. Let’s see who will win?” Don’t forget to reward the winner. If you need any help to speed up the task read my article on “want to say Hurry Up… Please wait”.

Note : Its always better to start kids’ day before an hour of their school time even though they take only 15 minutes to get ready. Morning play and fun is enough to sooth their mind for entire day.

We wish these 5 steps will help you to know your kids better and to have a great start of the day for you and your kid.

FosterFeel

After dinner, while I was still working with cleaning kitchen my little girl went to get ready for bed. She brushed her teeth, dressed her up in pajama, read a story for herself with her favorite doll, gave me good night kiss and went back to her room with night lamp. Sweet dream!!!

You might feel oh yes this is what I want from my kid too. But trust me it is nothing more than a sweet dream. Your kid will surely do this by the age of 10 but before that adore your kid the way s/he is. S/he is not big enough to think this way and even if s/he will do I am sure not a single parent will enjoy it.  “It is good to take a day off from office but not to leave a job permanently” same way “It is fun to see kids helping with small chores but not taking all the good care of them by themselves.”

So dream apart this is not going to happen and so as a parent it is your duty to put your kid on bed before they get tired. We know how tough it is and thus here we are providing you little help.

Every kid wants to play whole day and night and thus they won’t be ready to give up their play to sleep. But yes with proper routine and love you can help them to understand that this is sleeping time and there will be tomorrow to play.

#1 Slow Down: The first thing you need to tell your kid is “This is sleeping time now.” And that shouldn’t be end up with the sound “its sleeping time baby.” you must show it before the time and that too not by your words but by your action.

I am talking about the environment which you should create to feel like sleeping time. We grownup can understand that by the moon light but for kids it is not enough. You need to provide extra signals to bed time.

Like slow down. Slow down the surrounding noise. Switch off the TV or any loud music. Talk softly and slowly, Dim all the lights and take a short break to play family game which can give them rest. Avoid the activities which includes physical exercise instead choose some family game depends on the age of your kid. This will help their body to understand that it is tired now and so they will calm down.

#2 Soothing is important:  Now you know they are calm, their body is relaxed, next step to ease up their mind. And for that bedtime bath is good option. Bath will help to soothe their body and mind. Help them to dress up their pajamas (I always feel night clothes should be wear only in night times so it leaves right impact on body and mind they meant to be).

Next is cuddle time. Show your love and read a story. Remember it will be helpful if you can maintain the room temperature around 68 to 72 degrees, cold helps to sleep. When you are done with the story, give them a good night kiss, start the soft music and leave them in their room with their favorite blanket or soft toy. They will surely fall asleep in few minutes.

Trust me this won’t take long but surely help your kid to feel secure and safe.

#3 Say yes to 7: Sounds crazy? Yeah when I heard this for the first time I too felt how crazy is this!!! I wondered who sleeps at 7pm. But when I tried to implement it, it really worked and still working perfectly. Thanks to ECFE (an institute which guides parents to raise their kids).

We always heard “Early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy wealthy and wise” but always ignore to implement. Kids need at least 11 to 12hrs continuous sleep and if they won’t sleep at 7pm or latest by 8pm there is no way they can complete their 12hrs sleep before 7am in the morning. Result lazy morning late for kindergarten late for everything and you will be in rush for your office and total mess of morning rather to have a comfy fresh start of the day.

There are other reasons to put your kids on bed at 7 like 1. It will give you Me Time when you are really tired of your entire day. 2. You can spend time with your kid when they are really fresh and in their full charm. 3. Tired parents and tired kids can spend only quantity time not quality time.

As I always say “Be Consistent” in whatever you choose for your kid. Routine helps them to understand the things and leads toward a confident life.

Well last but not least start these  S an hour before bedtime. Means if you want your kid to sleep by 7pm, start it at 6pm and so on. I am sure you too will agree to share an hour of love and comfort with your kid to reduce Bedtime Battles.

If parents will talk about their kids I am sure they will definitely talk about two things. 1. Feeding issues and 2. Sleeping trouble.

Doesn’t matter your kid is either 1 year old or 7 years old they will surely don’t like sleeping Time.

Your kid will be playing very nicely until you will say “it’s Sleeping Time Baby!!!”

So what to do? We should let them awake till the time they want? Or we should force them to sleep?

Letting awake till the time they will be ready might seems good idea to you, but the truth is it is not at all a good idea at the end. Reasons are

1. Kids normally don’t have idea whether they are sleepy or not so they will try to stretch themselves beyond their limit.
2. Kids don’t like to sleep as they don’t know the concept of time. They feel if they will sleep now they will miss lots of things. They don’t have the idea of tomorrow so they won’t be ready to sleep ever.
3. It will affect your kids’ health.
4. Because of incomplete sleep your kids will be difficult to handle.
5. Your kids will face troubles in concentrating the things. Result it decreases their grade.

Few parents complain that their kids’ are not listening to them at all and always up to some mischief, one of the primary reason behind this is they never focus on their kids sleep schedule. They allow their kids to sleep till evening 5 or 6 pm and then they complain my kid is always awake till 11 or 12 pm. Well you believe it or not if you think you are facing troubles to handle your kid then focus on his/her sleep schedule first because the truth is if your kids are unable to get 10-12 hrs night sleep continuously, they will be cranky whole day.

Try to set your kids’ sleeping routine for couple of weeks and see the difference in your kids’ mood. Good sleeping habit not only helps in health issues but also increase your kids’ memory power. Your kid will be fresh so s/he can focus more; s/he can listen more; s/he can learn more. So basically providing proper sleep at sleeping time is as much important as serving nutritious food.

Here I am providing you the necessary sleeping need of your kids to regain their energy.

So what do you think? Am I suggesting you to force your kids to sleep at 8? Well yes and no both. As I am telling you to put your kids on bed before 8 for sure but of course not by forcing them. After all who likes bedtime battles every day?

There are ways to put your kids on bed without battles and for that wait for my next article on 3S to stop bedtime battles.

Last Sunday when we went for shopping I saw a 3 years old boy, requesting for a toy to her mother. His mother said “you already have many cars” and refused to buy that toy.  Result weeping, crying and sadness. At the end his mother brought a car for him!!!

Common shopping scene when we shop with kids. Whenever we go for shopping, kids try to touch all the things, demand for many things and misplace few things. Yes I agree this is really common behavior but do you really think parents can’t control this? I will say no we can, we can if we want. We can if we are sure what do we want. We can if we know what is right and what is wrong.

I am sure just like me you too want to avoid this behavior and for that here I am sharing the steps I prefer to follow:

Step 1 – Pre-Idea: Before going to anywhere just give the idea of where are you going and why.  For example, if we are going to mall for grocery shopping I will update my daughter with “today we are going for grocery shopping so you can choose any one fruit of your choice and you can help me in vegetables too.”

Step 2 – Set the shopping rule: Set the shopping rules and frequently explain it to your kid. For example, in my house I made a rule “going to buy gifts means only gifts no shopping will be done for me or my daughter.” And for that I will definitely give her pre-idea like “this is the time to get gifts you can help me with your suggestion but we can’t buy anything for you today.’

Step 3 – Praise for positivity: Don’t forget to admire even a smallest co-operation offered by your child. For example if my daughter will say “mom I like this too much. Will you please buy this one for me next time?” Then I will praise her with “I really like that you liked it and still you are ready to wait for that. I am really proud of you.”

Step 4 – Accept the situation: Even after pre-idea and rules, if your kid asks for the thing, first thing to do is accepting the situation. Stay calm, think twice and state your decision.

Step 5 – Say No with confidence: If you don’t want to buy the thing because of any reason tell them no, simply no. for example, I prefer to say “oh yes that’s really good that you like it but not for this time.”

It is perfectly okay if they are sad.  It’s their right to show right emotions.  This is the way they will learn to deal with their emotions and feelings.

Step 6 – Be clear and brief: If reason is simple like they already have that kind of toy then you can simplify it in 1 or 2 sentences but don’t try to explain in detail. For example I prefer to say we cannot buy the things we have.  Be straight and be clear.

Step 7 – Never change your mind: No means no. Never change your decision based on your mood. If Take the decision based on your pre-idea and shopping rules. Don’t buy anything on that day doesn’t matter how much you like or how much your kid insists for the thing.

If you feel the thing your kid asked is really worth enough and s/he deserve it then buy it on very next day but not on that day. Reason is simple, they should understand the meaning of no. If you will change your mind depends on things and situations, they will get confused with your uncertainty and will try to change your decision. Be consistent. On the spot decisions are always inappropriate if you are trying to teach them discipline and manner.

Step 8 – Show Empathy: If your negative answer made your kid sad, show your love and empathy by your words and touch. Explain your kid that you understand his/her feelings and give direction to show that feelings in right way.

Step 9 – State Strict Rule: Still if your kid continues crying throwing screaming or hitting, warn your kid with “I understand you are sad but that doesn’t mean you should throw the things. Stop throwing or else I have to punish you.” Use 123 magic and don’t hesitate to give small punishment or put on timer.

You have to make them understand that this is not the way to show emotions. Help them to understand feeling sad or getting angry doesn’t mean throwing the things or hitting anyone.

Step 10 – Introduce leave n live: Still if your kid is showing fuss, take him/her out of shop and go to home/car. Tell your kid strictly if s/he will behave like this you won’t be able to continue your shopping. Demonstrate that by leaving your kid with caretaker for emergency shopping. Explain your kid that if s/he won’t behave well while shopping then even though you want you can’t take your kid with you.

know your kid with my previous article kids scream troubles and solutions-1