Once I wanted to explain something to my 5 years old daughter and so I called her “come here baby we need to talk.” The following conversation happened.
Mom: Why do you eat these many biscuits at aunt’s (my neighbor) home? Do you know you are eating biscuits since last 8 days. Is it good thing?”
Swara: But aunty likes to share with me. If I will say no she will feel bad.
Mom: No, she will feel good if you will say no to junk food.
Swara: But I like biscuits.
Mom: Then eat at our home.
Swara: But doctor said no biscuits then how can I eat those at our home?
Mom: Then why do you eat at aunt’s house?
Swara: Because you said sometimes it’s okay
Mom: only sometimes dear
Swara : 8 is sometimes only. 100 is big I will not eat for 100 days mom.
Mom: See baby you can taste food at someone’s house you cannot fill your tummy with that.
Swara : Oh but when I don’t eat food in potluck you ask me to eat properly.
Mom: That was potluck. In potluck we share food with each other and eat together. Those are healthy food too.
Swara: You mean I can eat healthy food from aunt’s house?
Mom: ok baby I need a break we will talk tomorrow about this!!!
I was fully confused with her arguments which were definitely not beyond the topic. Later I reviewed whole conversation and I understood it wasn’t her fault. She is a kid and kid will surely think differently and try to find the link between all the things. It was me who started conversation with wrong phrase.
If I would have said “When we go to visit someone we should not eat too much. People like to offer the food but guests should not finish it off. So now onward don’t eat all the food offered by aunt.” Then I could have omitted previous arguments.
The way I talked for the first time was confusing and so she added her own thoughts. This is the common mistakes we do when we try to explain something to our kids. Either we explain in depth or we keep it open to add the ends.
It will be easier if we are clear with what we want to convey.
And thus here I am writing this article for me to remind myself how to make fruitful conversation with kids without welcoming unnecessary arguments and for the parents who too are facing the same issue.
Take Time: Take time to think what you want to talk. Think twice is it really necessary to talk on that topic or it is just a matter of a day. Because sometimes we make an issue from the small thing as we are unnecessarily worried about people but actually it is not at all important.
For example: If your kid fights with his/her best friend during play date for a toy, it is okay. Let them resolve their issue and wait for them to come to you if they want. Otherwise leave it as it’s not that much important. Sometimes kids fight on silly things and they forget it in couple of minutes itself. Don’t try to interfere and leave the command to make them independent.
Be Clear: Be clear on what you really what to convey. Just look at my whole conversation and you will get the answer. In first conversation I was not at all clear and thus confused my daughter with 1. She should not eat junk food. 2. She should not eat at someone else house. 3. She should not eat biscuits everyday.
Later I focused on “she should not finish the food offered by host” and that really worked.
Make the statement properly. Don’t think s/he is just a kid so you can go and talk just like that without preparation. In fact kids mind runs a lot so beware of it. One mistake and your point will be ruined.
Choose one: If you have multiple things to tell please choose one of those for one time and stack remaining for later. If you will tell them all together they won’t understand any of it or won’t remember any of it just after the conversation.
Keep it simple: It is important to be clear and make the statement to share with your kid in a language (according to age) that s/he can understand. Keep it simple and straight. Your statement should not be with open ends so s/he can add on that. Don’t go in deep explanation even though they ask. You can answer them its good manner or bad manner just the way you state “you should not play with food.”
Set the example: Try to follow your own statements. If you forget sometimes and your kids catch you for that, don’t forget to admit your mistake.
For example if you eat 4 chocolates at your best friend’s house and your kid catches you, you can tell him/her “oops where are my manners?” I will be careful now.
Accept your mistake: If they don’t tell you at that time and remind you later about your 4 chocolates accept the mistake. Do not give reasoning as if you will give reasoning they too will give you reasoning which will be arguments for you. Because at the end for kids all the cases are same. If you can’t eat at one host you should definitely not eat at other host. So leave the explanation for later and accept the mistake with yes that was not good of me. Next time I will try to remember this. Thank you for reminding me.
Motivate with your own mistakes: Motivate with your own stories. Tell the stories of your childhood, what mistakes you made and how your parents corrected you. Of course the way could be different but trust me they will surely understand the thing which you really want to tell them. And if you think it wasn’t a best way to teach you the matter modify your story with the best way.
If you want to talk with kid, you must become a kid.
You have mentioned very interesting points! ps nice website . “‘Tis a sharp medicine, but it will cure all that ails you. — last words before his beheadding” by Sir Walter Raleigh.